If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
