This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
