A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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