first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
