the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize