The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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