It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
