what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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