Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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