i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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