she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
