i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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