she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
