how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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