I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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