Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
