Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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