And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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