Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
