You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
