I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
