More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
