Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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