What did we do last night that was yellow?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
