there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
