I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
