I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
