I bet he comes in French.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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