you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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