I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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