You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
