Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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