i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
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that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
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I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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