it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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