I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
