If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
