you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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