It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
