sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My ass is underappreciated
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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