A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
