The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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