i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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