Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
