Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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