Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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