Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
