I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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