can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
