Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
