I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The Olympian is in my bed
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
