I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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