You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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