did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
