I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
