If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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